i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
