What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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