Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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