dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
