see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
