I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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