Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
