Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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