i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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