the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
