I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
