if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
