yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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