How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Everclear isn't food dammit
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