Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
