every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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