Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize