So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
