I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
