my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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