i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
