Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
