i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
