I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
