Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
