Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
