In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
