i already hear my dad disowning me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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