No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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