I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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