Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
