that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
