she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I still have a little drunk in my system
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
