I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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