If that was your dad, he is hot
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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