Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
