I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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