i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
