new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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