I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
