The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
