Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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