just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Houston, we have a squirter
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
