will power is for people who don't want to get laid
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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