after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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