Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
