OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
