i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
