He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just want nice things and good sex
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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