Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
