By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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