why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
