this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
