he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
