I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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