woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
