So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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