I accidentally burped into my bong.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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