dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
